Not Just Depression

For years I had struggled with my mental health. As a child I was bullied on a daily basis, for a variety of reasons including 'being too posh', and 'too fat'. 

Teachers told me to 'be less sensitive', but every single word seemed to cut me like a knife, and unsure of who I was I contested each and every insult or injury. 

I remember feeling overwhelmed incredibly easily. All it took was a thought, a glance from someone I knew 'didn't like' me (many whilst standing in the mirror), a comment from my parents or friends, an observation that questioned my being. 

At the age of 16 I started my first course of anti-depressants, and would go on to try Fluoxetine (Prozac), Citalopram (Celexa), Sertraline (Zoloft), and Duloxetine (Cymbalta). A variety of counselling sessions (never more than 8) offered by NHS and through occupational health, an appointment with a psychiatrist (who insisted I was 'just depressed') before coming to a rather abrupt conclusion in late 2015. 

Whilst on a 'gap year' to another country, I engaged with doctors to ensure the continued access to medication, and was shocked when the doctor suggested that I make an appointment with a psychologist. I explained that I probably wouldn't be in the country long enough to get an appointment, only to be told that there was someone I could see within the fortnight.

Not for the first time in my life, I sat in front of a person and spilled my heart out. The things that bothered me, the incidents in my life that continued to haunt me on what was often a daily basis. My explosive feelings, my continued depression, my difficulty with social situations. 

This time, for the first time in my life, I was provided with an 'answer'. 

I still recall getting back to my hostel room, typing 'borderline personality disorder' into google and finding a post written by another user on Reddit about their experience and how difficult they were finding a particular issue. I knew with 100% certainty that I had not written the post, but there was this nagging sensation that those could easily have been my words, my thoughts, my feelings. 

Suddenly, after 28 years on the planet I had an acute understanding of what it was that had been upsetting my ability to live a normal life. 

Things don't get easy right away, but knowing the 'reason' why life was quite the struggle that it was seemed to help in many ways. Being able to read about borderline from the perspective of doctors, psychologists, and other people with borderline was both validating and insightful. 

When I returned home to Lincoln, it wasn't long before I found out about Upbeat. Reading about the accounts of other people was useful, and the satisfaction of knowing what it 'was' that made me feel so different from other people gave me a sense of clarity and relief but I didn't yet know the value of being in a room filled with people who just GOT IT. 

There was no need to explain the way that I could become overwhelmed by social situations, there was no need to explain why a certain thing was upsetting, frustrating or otherwise. Making friends with people who knew in many ways how difficult things could be was the most validating I've ever felt, and I was incredibly fortunate to meet my best friend through the group, and together we have been able to grow from our unique understanding of one another. (Although we're still not sure if we have a hivemind). 

The difficulties of having a personality disorder don't go away, but these days the support network, the medication, and access to a long-term therapist go a long way to easing the cloud of depression, anxiety & general symptoms of BPD. 

Upbeat has been a huge part of that, and I am incredibly thankful to those who have been able to see that it keeps going, in spite of 'it all'.