Life with BPD - Alex Crow
Throughout my life I have struggled with my mental health. I have received diagnosis of depression, anxiety, panic disorder, bipolar disorder, ADHD and eventually borderline personality disorder. I spent most of my childhood and teen years feeling like I didn't fit in and that I was experiencing life very differently to others.
I remember being as young as 6 wondering why I didn't have many friends and why the ones I did have would be fragile and complicated. I often ended up doing or saying things that upset or angered others, but I couldn't work out why or how this kept happening. This continued into my adult life.
I battled with drugs and alcohol abuse, binge eating, abusive romantic relationships, contemplated suicide regularly, left jobs or got fired. I thought this would be my life forever. I spent months in bed, unable to clean myself, eat properly or clean my flat.
I had spent many years in adult mental health services, going through various forms of behavioural therapy, medications and counselling but nothing really seemed to stick. I was 26 when I finally got the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. My life changed forever.
Initially after receiving my diagnosis I was left feeling a lot of guilt, shame and embarrassment. This condition had impacted my life for so long and after doing my own research back in 2016 the internet told me that I would never recover. The condition was classed as untreatable and media representation of personality disorders is rarely positive and often detrimental.
Since starting regular counselling and medication I have made huge steps in managing my condition and learning to regulate my emotions. Giving myself space to pause, ground myself and breathe has been pivotal in my ongoing recovery. I work hard to ensure I have the structure and routine in my life that I need. I was sober for 3 years and I can now enjoy a drink or two without fear of falling back into unhealthy patterns. I feel confident working with my manager to create the best workplace environment that sets me up to succeed not fail.
I have come to terms with the fact that I will never be totally free of paranoia, intrusive thoughts, anger and emotional outbursts. BPD continues, and will always continue, to impact my life in one way or another. What I struggle with most now is perceived rejection, and the emotional whiplash that comes from experiencing such intense emotions at such speed. Going feeling perfectly fine to undeniable pain and exhaustion, joy, then excruciating anger and guilt all in the space of a few hours. But healing isn't linear, and I try not to view any 'episodes' as setbacks. Through treatment, medication, surrounding myself with supportive family/friends/colleagues and increased self-awareness, I now have the ability to view the disorder in a different way.
As individuals we are incredibly loyal, compassionate, empathetic, creative, passionate, vigilant. I would not be me without BPD and I want to challenge this negativity and turn it into a positive for myself and others if I can.
I have now made it a personal mission to dispel these negative misconceptions about the condition. I currently run a mental health peer support group in Lincoln with the help of some friends (and fellow BPDers). Upbeat is a group that meets every Thursday at Café Nero in town and has grown from an idea my close friend had many years ago, into a thriving community of individuals that meet each week to support each other through the trials and tribulations of this condition and other personality related difficulties.
My inbox is always open to anyone who wants to talk about any of the issues I have raised here further. You are not alone <3
Samaritans – 116 123 or text SHOUT to 85258