Part 1 - Grief, Loss & Suicide, by Robert Glenton

At the beginning of the year, I lost a person who was very dear to me. She took her own life and her family decided to have a small family-only funeral. This was and is a source of great pain, and denied me the opportunity to grieve and say goodbye. It is hard to say goodbye when the formal processes are taken away, and this caused intense and enduring anger towards the family. I wanted them to understand the additional pain and anger their actions have caused. In moments when my thoughts were more coherent, I recognised this situation of being denied the opportunity to formally grieve is not unique, and in part why I am sharing my experiences

With support, I have been exploring different ways to say goodbye in a healthy manner. It was suggested that I let a balloon go, and with that let go of some of the pain I am holding. This did not sit entirely comfortably with me, as I thought about the potential harm to wildlife when the balloon comes to rest. I had similar concerns about writing a letter and sending it to drift on a lake or river.

The idea of writing down my thoughts about my friend and expressing what she meant to me was something I could relate to. But I wanted something with a degree of permanency, which I could go back to when I wanted to remember both the good and the hard times. We found the Mind Everlasting Forrest, but the limits on the number of characters used were too constraining for me, but would suit some people. (link at the end of this blog). I also explored Sue Ryder Grief Community. There I found people who are struggling with grief and using writing to express their loss (link at the end of this blog).

As a society, we are reluctant to talk about death, grief, and loss. We do not think about working with loss and celebrating the time we shared. People with different religious practises can have some solace in the belief that a person's soul or essence continues after death. Either a soul to be reborn or to go to some selected place of celebration and love, however, when the person dies by suicide, many religious beliefs frown upon this act.

In Hinduism, suicide is referred to by the Sanskrit word "atmahatya," literally meaning "soul-murder." "Soul-murder" is said to produce a string of karmic reactions that prevent the soul from obtaining liberation. Buddhism also prohibits suicide, or aiding and abetting the act, because such self-harm causes more suffering rather than alleviating it. And ultimately, suicide violates a fundamental Buddhist moral precept: to abstain from taking life.

In the Jewish tradition, the prohibition against suicide originated in Genesis 9:5, which says, "And for your lifeblood, I will require a reckoning." This means that humans are accountable to God for the choices they make. From this perspective, life belongs to God and is not yours to take. The Italian poet Dante Aligheri, in "The Inferno," extrapolated from traditional Catholic beliefs and placed those who had committed the "sin of suicide" on the seventh level of hell where they exist in the form of trees that painfully bleed when cut or pruned. Islam features a specific verse in the Quran, stating "do not destroy yourselves." For me whilst looking for answers I found pain. Will my friend's beautiful soul be forever cast into the shadows? These thoughts greatly impacted my wellbeing.

I found people avoiding talking about her, as if they made a conscious decision to deny her existence. Talk is painful and for some, laden with shame and guilt. Death by suicide has difficult feelings stemming from both religious and cultural beliefs, as well as the perceived shame of how they feel this act reflects on those who are left to mourn.

To help understand my own responses to my friend's death I thought I would investigate some of the different theories and cultural aspects around death, grief, and mourning. A logical place for me to start with what is the difference between grief and mourning. The way I understand these concepts, is that grief is the emotion you feel with the loss, and mourning is the process of expressing and accommodating those emotions. This seemed logical, but if I was to make some sort of sense of the loss of my friend, I needed to understand how I could work through this. I researched some of the more generally accepted theories on grief and loss. In the Kubler-Ross Model, 5 stages of grief were proposed

DENIAL – The person may refuse to accept the fact that a loss has occurred and might attempt to minimize or deny the situation.

ANGER - When an individual realises that a loss has occurred, they may become angry at themselves or others. They may argue that the situation is unfair and try to allocate blame.

BARGAINING - In bargaining, the individual may try to change or delay their loss.

DEPRESSION - "It's not fair it should have been me and what's the point in continuing?" During this stage, the person recognises the loss. They may isolate themselves and spend time crying and grieving. According to Kubler- Ross Feeling sad and depressed is a step towards acceptance as they recognise their loss.

ACCEPTANCE - Finally, the person will come to accept their loss, understand the situation logically, and find ways of accommodating their pain.

These five stages of grief did not strike the right chord with me, however trying to make sense of the tasks of mourning, felt better. William Worden suggested there are four tasks one must accomplish for "the process of mourning to be completed" and "equilibrium to be re-established". The first task is to accept the reality of the loss. The second is to work through the pain of grief. The third is to adjust to an environment without the deceased. The final task is to find an enduring connection with the deceased that allows for a life without them. He makes clear these are in no particular order, though there is some natural order in that the completion of some tasks, would suggest completion of another task. He acknowledges that people may need to revisit certain tasks over time, that grief is not linear, and that it is difficult to determine a timeline for completing the grief tasks. This seemed to make sense of my situation, as my thoughts shifted from absolute pain and despair, to more helpful thoughts of creating a way of remembering her, and then back to despair again.

Whilst looking at these ideas of grief and loss, I needed to reflect on my feelings and values about death by suicide and how I can grieve without getting stuck on personal thoughts, religious connotations, and societal responses to death by suicide. Can I marry together opposing ideologies of grief, suicide, and the soul and mark my friend's life in a way that meets my need to say goodbye and celebrate her life?

In the next blog, I will explore some ideas of how people mark the passing of someone within their culture.

MENTIONED IN THIS BLOG

MIND VIRTUAL FORREST

Support Mind In Memory of Your Loved One - Mind

SUE RYDER

https://community.sueryder.org

OTHER USEFUL ORGANISATIONS

AMPARO

Support for those affected by someone's death by suicide

Referral Line Call: 0330 088 9255

https://amparo.org.uk

CALM

Helpline: 0800 585 858 (national) Every day 17.00 – midnight

thecalmzone.net

CRUSE

Bereavement Support

Call: 0808 808 1677 Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday: 9.30am-5:00pm

Tuesday: 1:00pm-8:00pm. Saturday and Sunday closed

https://www.cruse.org.uk

STAY ALIVE

App based Plans to help keep safe

StayAlive - Essential suicide prevention for everyday life

SOBS - SURVIVORS OF BEREAVEMENT BY SUICIDE

Call: 0300 111 5065 Monday to Sunday 9:00 am – 7:00 pm

Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide - Overcoming the isolation of people bereaved by suicide (uksobs.com)